Sunday, August 01, 2010

Painfully Predictable

May 1: WTF?
May 2: WTF?
May 3: WTF?
May 4: WTF.
May 5: WTF?
May 6: WTF!
May 7: WTF?
May 8: WTF?
May 9: WTF?
May 10: WTF? 38!? OMG! WTF?
May 11: WTF?
May 12: WTF?
May 13: WTF? LOTF. WTF.
May 14: WTF.
May 15: WTF. LMAO? WTF?
May 16: WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
May 17: WTF?
May 18: WTF?
May 19: WTF?
May 20: WTF?
May 21: WTF?
May 22: WTF? LOTFUTMSCALMAO!
May 23: WTF?
May 24: WTF?
May 25: WTF?
May 26: WTF?
May 27: WTF. SBATWWHTHDIEUH.
May 28: WTF?
May 29: WTF?
May 30: WTF? SAWMTUMBNBCBBIWMTMHHA?
May 31: WTF?

The first thought in my head every morning is depressingly predictable. Ripped from a dream where my arms and legs are still functional, I wake up to the same nightmare. Day after day, week after week, with the knowledge that things will only get worse. Whether I feel confused, frustrated, desperate, or heartbroken, my day always starts with some variant of the phrase: WTF. Eventually, often begrudgingly, my mind allows my heart to observe, “on the plus side, you have one more day to spend with your girls.” If only my mind would shut up and listen once in a while.

Legend:
WTF = What the fu$k
OMG = Oh my god/God
LOTF = Lying on the floor
LMAO = Laughing my @ss off
(if you didn’t know those, TTPYHOYAP, JK)
TTPYHOYAP = Time to pull your head out of your @ss people
JK = Just kidding
LOTFUTMSCALMAO = Lying on the floor unable to move simultaneously crying and laughing my @ss off
SBATWWHTHDIEUH = Staring blankly at the wall wondering how the hell did I end up here
SAWMTUMBNBCBBIWMTMHHA = Sitting around with my thumb up my butt not by choice but because I was mean to my home health aide

PS – Perchance you noticed May was ALS awareness month. Originally, I planned this post in parallel, a ploy to point out that PALS are already painfully perceptive of this pernicious pestilence. Predictably, as with most plans, technical problems and procrastination postponed the publishing of this pesky P populated prose. Pardon me, my passion for poetic alliteration overpowers me periodically. Please accept my most penitent apologies.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

this post was quite moving to me. i don't know why exactly but it really got to me. the day-to-day tedium and futility is palpable in your writing; however, your humor and wit shine through brighter than ever.
at the end of the day, you've got to know that every day you get with your girls is as much a blessing for them as it is for you.
scott, you are in my prayers, and always keep in mind that you have been blessed with 2 beautiful children and one stupendous wife.

Anonymous said...

oh...BHBDTYS = a much belatedly happy birth day to you, sir.

Vanessa said...

One of these mornings
You're gonna rise up singin'
Spread your wings
And fly to the sky

But until that morn'
You gotta stay Stafne strong
Cause your wife and children
Are standin' by

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I know no one has the right to give you advice, Scott, no one...so please forgive me for doing so. Despite all the terrible suffering you are enduring, I know you can continue to be the strong husband and father your family needs right now. Focus on them as much as you can, with loving gazes only a father and husband can provide...and hopefully the pain will fade at times...for all of you.
With love and prayers,
Vanessa